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My bedroom: A glimpse into my defunct spirit and mind
I believe that one's bedroom and personal spaces are often a good representation of how their spirits are feeling at the time. My room is full of garbage, littered with fragments of my life for the last 12 years that has been occasionally cleaned, but most of the time it's just a mess of things I don't really need, but I'm too lazy to take care of. I have to step over the garbage to get to the stuff I need, and so I don't go into some places of my room. Doing anything just feels like a task too enormous to achieve anything once I've started. Most of it could really be taken care of in a short amount of time, but each time I go to start, I lose all energy and find myself in the same slumped position fixated on things that aren't important and unhelpful. It's barely functional. It's disgusting and potentially dangerous. I could use someone to help me clean it up, but I'm afraid to let someone in for what they'll find and I'll have to deal with their issues concerning my issues and I don't want to deal with that, and that I'll have made someone else uncomfortable because of my mess.

I'm really in a deep deep funk ATM. I'm in the "avoidance" phase of depression, and pretty entrenched in it. I try to wake up early in the morning, and I just can't roll out of bed until after 1:30pm, no matter how many alarms or proverbial carrots I put in front of me to get me out of bed and doing stuff. I'm avoiding all of the things I NEED to be doing to support myself. It's a really bad spiral hole I'm going down with my active priorities in all of the wrong places and my necessary priorities being thrown out the window. Even the fear of being thrown out onto the streets isn't a motivator for change. I need positive energy that not only motivates me, but gets me to actually do those things that will be positive for me. I'm terrible at being self-motivated, unless other folks are relying on me, or I've given my word to do something. Even then, if I know I can get away with it, I'll find myself slipping. I can't do that if I want to go anywhere, do anything. I don't have any real life-goals that I honestly feel I want. I don't have any real dreams or interests that go beyond 3-6 months from now.


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